Hi everyone! You remember last week when we solicited your love questions?

Well, thanks for getting back to us. It turns out you’re all pretty badly fucked up when it comes to love, but that’s really not that surprising. Never fear! Super-pro Heather Nielson and myself are here to set you on the path to romantic bliss, success, estrangement, ruin, desolation, adventures! So settle in and enjoy some of the best love advice you’re likely to read on a cycling blog today.

ant1 asks:

i’ve got a thing for female cyclists, especially a few on the pro circuit, but i’m currently in a relationship.  do you recommend buying enough doping products to turn my girlfriend into a pro cyclist or to dump her and seriously ramp up my internet and real-life stalking of current pros?  thanks in advance for your shared wisdom.

Dan says:

Buying doping products for your significant other can be a tricky prospect. For a start, it’s hard to keep it a secret. Until you come up with a plausible reason for your girlfriend to wake up with a needle in her arm and a blood bag hanging from a hook on the wall you might want to consider alternate strategies. Also, there’s the risk that with all that newfound strength and recovery, that her performance will quickly outstrip you and she’ll leave you behind. Just like racing, the short term gains of relationship doping may turn into long term disasters. Instead maybe you should try telling your girlfriend that cycling is a team sport and that it’s essential to the success of the team that she accept new team members into the family?

Heather says:

AARRGGHHH!!!  Story of my fucking life.  I get hit on all the time by guys in the pro/pro-am peloton who are in relationships and i’m getting really sick of it quite honestly.  It’s one thing if you really are unhappy and want to see what your options are and are putting ‘feelers’ out so to speak but trust me, if you go too far with too many of us……WE TALK! You’ll develop a reputation pretty quick so pick a fucking wheel and stick on it until the final sprint…whether you end up winning the sprint or not, your fellow competitors will respect you more if you RACE rather than be a member of the ‘pack fodder’ that can never decide what he wants!!

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Anonymous asks:

When my boyfriend and I cycle together, he usually rides in front. This is mainly because he navigates with a Garmin because often we’re riding unfamiliar routes. So you know, I just follow. However, when we go places that only I know the way to, he still somehow ends up in front of me and then when we come to a fork in the road he asks, “Which way?” and it MAKES ME MAD because whyyyyy did he need to move in front of me anyway? Why couldn’t he just sit patiently behind me? Then I say, “If you would stay behind me you wouldn’t have to fucking ask but NO, you have to be SO. MACHO.” and then he looks confused because he is the exact opposite of a macho guy who just wants to ride in front of the girl, he is actually so great, it just kinda always… happens… and I don’t know how. It just really makes me mad and I think it’s a very small thing to ask. How can I keep him obediently following me when it’s MYYYY turn to lead the ride that day? And how can I not look petty when I go about it? How can we avoid faceplanting on the roads of love?(Please note we mostly do not, CAN NOT, ride two abreast unless it’s on a bike path or really chill suburban roads because otherwise I squeal, “STOP BOXING ME IN!” because I need to be a woman with my own free will, able to boldly take my own line and all that stuff)

Poochie asks:

My partner caught me riding tandem with another woman. It was just a one-off but I seem to have lost his trust now and he won’t ride with me. How do I earn his trust back and convince him to get back in the saddle? Your advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Dan says:

broerie asks:

I have been in love with my hot neighbour for years. Every evening I ride past her house, trying to look as pro as I can. But when she sees me, she acts as if I’m all weird and she tries to avoid me. Is this her way of telling me she likes me? Should I try to grab her ass?
Please, any advice is welcome.

Friend in need asks:

My good friend is always talking about how he finds it hard to meet single women, but whenever I offer suggestions of things to do, or ways he might meet more people – like joining local online communities that meet up, going out to events around his interests, where there’ll be lots of other people, etc he always has an excuse for why he can’t do that. Maybe I’m going about it in the wrong way? He is an avid cycling fan, so if you could suggest some racing metaphors, maybe I can convince him that he can be more daring, and that if he takes risks, he can reap rewards? Thanks in advance!

Dan says: